Plan-X ideas

Yeah sure, I also meant improving the writing style, and making it more descriptive, your alot better at that.

Well, I thought I'd mention those first, they're easier to explain & fix.

In scene 1, I suppose there is only bit to fix; When I'm looking out the window & announce Plan-Y is nigh, I think it should say:

As Shadow peers out the window an ominous sight beholds him;

Shadow; Sir, I think you should see this, & get ready to fight.


My character only ever calls Moogle "Sir" as that one he respects the most, due to him being our leader, & this why my character seems very peeved if another from Moogle or G.K.a is calling the shots.

Your 7 years older than me and you are alot better at writing, I would be greatfull if you would go over it and make it sound more mature, also adding more description would be nice as well. Very well about your attitue toward's Moogle being posative, it makes sense he's the only one you respect, but as Shadow is not the nicest person in the world, you can always show sarcastic and negative attitue towards everyone else. I'm also hoping to make these 7 things longer, maybe twice in length, as they are slightly rushed, and only each one will appear ever few pages.

Making about twice, or thrice is as long could make perfect for a flashback...
Neither the less, could you update those minor changes?

I'll take a look a closer look at it, to see how I can expand & help description...
I suppose I first find how to expand the description of Plan-Y's stronghold...

Yes expanding Plan-Y would be an excelent idea, I didn't have much thought about it, simply they were the villans or the names either, although having them as alter ego's was something I was had in mind. And I said twice as long lol, not seven, so each one is more descriptive, it shouldn't put people off to much if they appear very rarley.

Rap El Pug I I wrote:

And I said twice as long lol, not seven, so each one is more descriptive, it shouldn't put people off to much if they appear very rarley.

Yeah, sorry, I misread it, & I've corrected myself.
Told you I was tired. Anyway, one sec.
*Opens word pad*
Hmm...

You can go to sleep you know and do it later, don't think you have to do it now lol.

Emerald 1:

In area of a hazy swamp, a pearl white, yet completely busted up stronghold bulges out, like a boil on your face (or maybe my face, I could be looking in a mirror), the rare villian of Land Pirates calls home... The home of Plan-Y; a bunch of half-dead, half insane, a half too far, rivals of Plan-X, at long last ready to taste victory...I think... They became desperate over the past months due to the fued with Plan-X, so desperate to sink as low as rebuilding Mecha Sonic, the most dangerous

TheLordRingWearer: So, we have now rebuilt Mecha sonic, and we shall finally conquer Plan-X and control the galaxy with the power of the chaos emeralds.

Mecha Sonic: Correct, I am here to serve Plan-Y, and with the chaos emeralds we shall conquer the galaxy.

Jedi Light-San: Excellent, now we can begin our assault on the Plan-X homeland.

Darkmoogle: Excellent, we shall storm there home planet with our fleet, distract them with an ambush whilst Mecha steals the chaos emeralds, we will then retreat to angel islands where Mecha will harness the Master Emerald. Mr L, I want you to lead the air assault, if your lucky you can catch Luigi off guard, as we know he likes to fly.

Mr L: Certainly.

Plan-Y Members: Understood.

Meanwhile on Plan-X.

Moogleofages: Finally, Plan-X will dominate the galaxy.

Luigi: You mean save the galaxy right?

Moogleofages: You could say that.

As Shadow peers out the window an ominous sight beholds him;

Shadow: Sir, I think you should see this, & get ready to fight.

Moogleofages: What is it?

Shadow: It’s Plan Y…

Moogleofages (Intercom): ATTENTION, PLAN Y IS INVADING EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN HUB IMMEDIATELY.

Moogleofages: Shadow, I think you best guard the emeralds.

Shadow: I would of anyway I don’t need you to tell me that.

Plan-X arrives at the main room.

Moogle: Already has there invasion begun, we weren’t expecting a fleet as big as this, so they took us by surprise. Luigi, I want you to destroy there fleet of ships, I know your pilot skills surpass most peoples and I’m sure you can handle it.

Luigi: Understood.

Shadow: PL, I think it's wise for you to take my Wolfen, this battle won't be easy.

Luigi: Hm? That's unlike you to see difficulty in a fight.

Moogle: I have a bad feeling it’s too late, and the flagship has already entered orbit.

Dark Link: Then what do we do?

Moogle: We wait…And fight…

Luigi boards Shadows Wolfen, the light shinning brightly against the glass dome that sits on top of the craft. Luigi puts his suit and helmet on, the light blinding against his visor, he hops into the craft and prepares to leave.

Luigi (Intercom): All is well I am leaving now.

(Moogleofages): Very well.

TheRingLord: It appears that Plan-Y has entered the atmosphere, expect and attack soon.

Moogleofages: Yes…The best we can do is stand our ground, we can’t let them get the chaos emeralds, if that happens all is lost.

Luigi flys into the air on the burrowed Wolfen, fighting against numerous fleet of fighters, thanks to his new ship he takes them out with ease with little to no effort, but his arragonce would later be his downfull.

Luigi: This is easy I don’t know why they bother with an air assault.

Mr L: This is why.

Mr L shoots an unexpected missile towards Luigi and hits the back of his ship.

Luigi: AGHHHH I’m HIT.

As Luigi loses control of his ship, he see’s a figure fly past, he realises it’s Mecha Sonic.

Luigi: I…Moogle it’s him.

Mr L fires another missile.

Luigi’s ship burst into flames and explodes upon impact as the missile collides into the ship.

Moogleofages: Luigi is dead…[/i]

Rap El Pug I I wrote:

You can go to sleep you know and do it later, don't think you have to do it now lol.

May as well do a little bit, I'll be slacker if I don't even try before going for a kip.

Anyway, here you go;

In area of a hazy swamp, a pearl white, yet completely busted up stronghold bulges out, like a boil on your face (or maybe my face, I could be looking in a mirror), the rare villian of Land Pirates calls home... The home of Plan-Y; a bunch of half-dead, half insane, a half too far, rivals of Plan-X, at long last ready to taste victory...I think...

Place this just after "Emerald 1".
A little bit description, a tiny bit comedic set-up...

Thats good, you can edit my post you know, doesn't have to be all at once, it would be easier cause then we could both edit it freely and then ill put it in the word document later.

There, updated it... ¬¬
You should said I could edit the story directly earlier, it would of saved a lot of time. I wouldn't of had to post foolishness...

I need to go offline, now.
I'm more knackered then a pair of knickers on eBay. (You can take that either way, I make bizarre analogies when I'm bored.)
Later...

That's a nice intro, the rest of it could do with some more description, and I'll add my death in also. It makes more sense, really, because I get killed after Plan-Y land, which doesnt make much sense, because I get shot down by there fleet whilst in the air.

It is not necessary to add too much description, our audience wouldn't appreciate reading too much in a game that is based on insanity.
I think just minor tweaks are ready needed...

Emerald 1: Finished!

In area of a hazy swamp, a pearl white, yet completely busted up stronghold bulges out, like a boil on your face (or maybe my face, I could be looking in a mirror), the rare villain of Land Pirates calls home... The home of Plan-Y; a bunch of half-dead, half insane, a half too far, rivals of Plan-X, at long last ready to taste victory...I think... They became desperate over the past months due to the feud with Plan-X, so desperate to sink as low as rebuilding Mecha Sonic, the most dangerous

TheLordRingWearer: So, we have now rebuilt Mecha sonic, and we shall finally conquer Plan-X and control the galaxy with the power of the chaos emeralds.

Mecha Sonic: Correct, I am here to serve Plan-Y, and with the chaos emeralds we shall conquer the galaxy.

Jedi Light-San: Excellent, now we can begin our assault on the Plan-X homeland.

Darkmoogle: Excellent, we shall storm there home planet with our fleet, distract them with an ambush whilst Mecha steals the chaos emeralds, we will then retreat to angel islands where Mecha will harness the Master Emerald. Mr L, I want you to lead the air assault, if your lucky you can catch Luigi off guard, as we know he likes to fly.

Mr L: Certainly.

Plan-Y Members: Understood.

Meanwhile on Plan-X.

Moogleofages: Finally, Plan-X will dominate the galaxy, we now own 70% of this galaxy.

Luigi: You mean restore justice and protect it right?

Moogleofages: You could say that.

As Shadow peers out the window an ominous sight beholds him;

Shadow: Sir, I think you should see this...

Moogleofages: What is it?

Shadow: It’s...

TheRingLord and Dark Link burst through the door.

Dark Link: SIR! We have lost all of our moons orbiting the planet, our shield generators are down.

Moogleofages: But that's impossible, how can an organisation to that so fast?

Shadow: It's Plan-Y.

Moogleofages (Intercom): ATTENTION, PLAN-Y IS INVADING EVERYONE REPORT TO THE MAIN HUB IMMEDIATELY.

Moogleofages: Shadow, I think you best guard the emeralds.

Shadow: I would of anyway, I don’t need you to tell me that.

The remaining members, Anniejello, Darthmario, Giga-kite-agiG, Gorilla (TRK), and Jymaru enter the room.

Moogle: Already has there invasion begun, we weren’t expecting a fleet as big as this, so they took us by surprise. Luigi, I want you to destroy there fleet of ships, I know your pilot skills surpass most peoples and I’m sure you can handle it.

Luigi: Understood.

Shadow: Luigi, I think it's wise for you to take my Wolfen, this battle won't be easy.

Luigi: Hmm? That's unlike you to see difficulty in a fight.

Moogle: I have a bad feeling it’s too late, and the flagship has already entered orbit.

Dark Link: Then what do we do?

Moogle: We wait…And fight…

Luigi boards Shadow’s Wolfen, the light shinning brightly against the glass dome that sits on top of the craft. Luigi puts his suit and helmet on, the light blinding against his visor, he hops into the craft and prepares to leave.

Luigi (Intercom): All is well I am leaving now.

(Moogleofages): Very well.

TheRingLord: It appears that Plan-Y has entered the atmosphere, expect and attack soon.

Moogleofages: Yes…The best we can do is stand our ground, we can’t let them get the chaos emeralds, if that happens all is lost.

Luigi flies into the air on the borrowed Wolfen, fighting against numerous fleet of fighters, thanks to his new ship he takes them out with ease with little to no effort, but his arrogance would later be his downfall.

Luigi: This is easy I don’t know why they bother with an air assault.

Mr L: This is why.

Mr L shoots an unexpected missile towards Luigi and hits the back of his ship.

Luigi: AGHHHH I’m HIT.

As Luigi loses control of his ship, he see’s a figure fly past, he realises it’s Mecha Sonic.

Luigi: I…Moogle it’s him.

Mr L fires another missile.

Luigi’s ship burst into flames and explodes upon impact as the missile collides into the ship.

Moogleofages: Luigi is dead…

Well, I've corrected any grammatical or spelling errors.
After double reading, part 1 seems fine now.
There is one note though; We need to include more members. There's more then just those you've mentioned.
Jya for a start, she won't be happy if you don't include her.

It's really hard to have everyone at once, who did she play?

She joined Plan-X when I was Offline, so I'm not really sure who she played. You'll need ask her.
You could put her as "Jya", until we find out.

Though, like I said it could be cool if she's the one that saves your life, just after this bedlam...

If you find a way to incoporate into the script then fine.

Well, on the last emerald; You could have the scene move to Jya who was one of the lower members to whom peered in on all the arguments the key members are going about.
After the the main members were either killed or walked, those members become lost & drift away too, except from Jya which stays behind, & thinks of taking over our own base in a form of respect, when she sees the Wolfen you were in, & you out cold in it.

I can safley say the first part is 100% complete, now it's for this one.

Emerald 2:

The Plan-Y ship lands on the shrubs’ of the land, arriving on the outskirts of the forest, the trees are flinching in fear.

Darkmoogle: I have already sent Mr L to stay in the fleet as he is the only one who will be able to destroy Luigi in an airship battle, I mean, they are the same person after all. For now, we shall assault Plan-X, and gain freedom. You now who is leading the attack.

TheLordRingWearer: Me.

Rachaeljello: And me.

Jedi Light-San: Me to.

Yeti: Mew three.

Light Link: Not a Pokémon.

The 5 of the Plan-Y set off towards the Plan-X headquarters, where an intense battle will of violence bloodshed and gore would start.

Rachaeljello: We are here.

TheLordRingWearer: Excellent, let us begin.

A bit better than the first bit I think.

Need's alot of work, it's far to short.

Well, first off we need to remove the parts about your character.
If he's dead, his can't suddenly jump up, like some hyperactive zombie.

Already done that mate, and that is why it's so short, we need something interesting to replace, perhaps more activity at Plan-X headquarters maybe? It's quite funny how small it is compared to the first part actually. More stuff could be added before they land, I think you can redo the whole thing if you wanted to.

Hmm...though, I know this won't for a while, but reading the first & second part gives me an idea for a running gag, after the story is near completion; About how you owe me a new ship.

For part 2, though. I cannot think of much right now...
*Boots up word*
Hmm...

Could having some mourning for a short while, but then everyone picks themselves up and prepares for the invasion, and has some HQ related stuff etc.

"In war, there in no time to mourn."
Which actually could be a good line for Moogle to say, as TRK get emotional that you've (seemingly) gone.